When Will Howard Stern Come Out With a New Book?

By Clay Allen

HEY NOW! We are living in historic times. The bell of freedom has been rung, and Howard Stern has moved to satellite, baby. This opens up a whole new world for the world’s most famous broadcaster. But as an avid fan of Howard’s print medium, what I want to know is when will he come out with a new book?

I’ll admit, I was excited enough about the new show on Serious to wake up at 5:45 in the morning to hear Howard scream the c-word (for a woman’s private parts) as the first thing he says on satellite. And although I got a nice little chuckle out of it, it didn’t impact me like the passage in Private Parts wherein Howard’s mettle is tested by his boss at WNBC Pig Virus. That guy almost got the better of Howard, but Howard persevered. That’s the kind of thing I hope will be included in a (hopefully) upcoming book.

The move to satellite was colossal. It took a ton of work. Between negotiating the deal, setting up a slew of raucous stations, and herding an audience of 40 million to an entirely new medium doesn’t leave a lot of time for reflective writing. There were appearances on Late Night and the Daily Show to be done, he and Beth needed to crop up unexpectedly in Us Magazine. This will distract even the most disciplined entertainer.

But the move is completed, and the show is back on stable ground. Howard must employ the discipline he divines from his transcendental meditation and use it to create what will most certainly be a keystone in the pyramid of his legacy.

What else is he going to do? Continue to talk to an audience that’s a small fraction of what he once had in terrestial radio, or appeal to his loyal readership, who might be convinced to make the switch if there was only some hard(cover) urging?

Let’s be real for a second. Let’s hang up the gloves and just talk facts. Since Miss America, Howard’s second tome, he has divorced his wife and taken up with a supermodel, Jackie has been replaced by Artie, K.C. has been replaced by Richard Christy and Sal the Stockbroker and Robin’s weight has yo-yoed so drastically that Howard could literally include a 20 page photo spread that chronicles the inflating and deflating of that black balloon.

Are we honestly supposed to believe that Howard has cultivated no personal feelings or insights about these events? Sure, we hear about them on the air, but it’s only in the context of literature that they truly make sense and effect us at the human level.

I’m outraged, actually. This is a personal affront. It has been ten fucking years, already. What is the fucking hold up? I’m hooked. I’m invested in the man. Not the personality. The man. You’re just going to take that away from me to concentrate on your dick-in-the-face jokes?

And hey, I’m no elitist. I like a dick-in-the-face joke as much as the next guy. Guilty as charged.

But I can’t take a dick-in-the-face joke into bed with me. Nor can I sneak into the storeroom with it tucked into my waistband and pour over it, trying desperately to uncover personal, hidden messages in the font changes. And I certainly can’t wait in line for seven hours for Howard to sign a copy of my dick-in-the-face joke!

Uuugch. Alright. Fine. If the new show is really taking up so much time, I then insist that Howard do an “as told to” book. Will it be sub-par? Honestly? Yes.

But if this is the only option, I suppose Confessions of an Heiress author Merle Ginsberg is the obvious choice, simply for having the wherewithal to land such a choice assignment.

But for my money, I’d go with Jack Isenhaur, best known for finding the heart in Dennis Rodman’s second book I Should Be Dead By Now. He’s been called the thinking man’s ghost writer, an accolade that’s more than well earned.

Look, we’re all glad that Howard can now freely use curse words and play It’s Just Wrong on the air again. But his readership has been more than patient. Howard, it’s time for a new book. And, while we’re at it, how about trying to break the 700 page mark this time. It’s really the least you could do.