The Habits of theNesting Male
My guide to freaking out before the birth of your first child, Pregnancy Magaazine, 11/09. See the UCB version here.
This is not a Eulogy
A grisly sight brings a father/son relationship into perspective, 4 Stories and a Cover, 04/09
The Bad Call
A first-person account of my job at the porno superstore, "The Customer Is Always Wrong," Soft Skull Press, 8/08.
The Last Will and Testament of Harry Roucheau
An old beatnick has his final say. If you want the true experience, you'll go to abstract fonts and download the Traveling Typewriter font this piece was composed in. It's on page two over there. And because you're hardcore, you'll do it!
Stud Puppets
What happens when Tony Delio and I become Judy Tenuta's backup dancers, Wordplay, 10/08.
The Oprah Nightmare
A short story about the perils of working for the woman of your dreams.
Congratulations, Tom!
"If you control the mail, they can't send you threatening letters." -- O'Connell, 2005
My Summer with John Lennon
I was just a baby when I wrote this in 2001. A child. An infant. But somehow, I think it's still kind of funny. The New York Hangover, 07/03
When Will Howard Stern Come out with a New Book?
A short fictia-torial about the day's most pressing issue. The New York Hangover 05/02
51% Forgiveness
Exactly what to do when you've made a mistake you want off you conscience without a lot of work. The New York Hangover, 06/00